I went to the doctors today with a severe headache. He said, "You need to stop masturbating." I said, "OK, will that cure me?" He said, "No, but you're upsetting my other patients in the waiting room."
sue, a blonde girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!"........................Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde?" sue asked..........................."Yes, it's because you're blonde," said mum. The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!".........................."Very good, sue," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mum?"......................"Yes, it's because you're blonde." The next day sue came skipping home from school. "Mummy, Mummy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests but I have these!"...................And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother "Is it because I'm blonde, mum?" "No darling, it's because you're 24."
A bus load of cheerleaders went over a cliff, they somehow managed to jump out in time and all ended up clinging to a small tree. The trees roots couldn't take all their weight and slowly it started pulling out of the cliff face. All the girls were blond except one brunette and she said, "Listen girls, this tree can't take our weight, one of us will have to sacrifice themselves to save the others..... I volunteer to do it." When they heard this the blondes all began clapping wildly and shouted "GOOD JOB .... Ahhhhhhhhh."
A manc and a scouser go into Gregg's. The scouser steals 3 pasties & puts them in his pocket then boasts to the manc "did u See, that the staff never saw me" The manc says "thats nothing, watch this" and goes back in the shop. He says to the manager "give me 3 pasties and i'll show you some magic" He eats them all and the manager says "How is that magic?" The manc replied "check the scouser's pocket" Sent from my LT26i using Tapatalk
After shagging Cheryl cole yesterday, I think there are 3 things you should know... First, her fanny is tight as fuck, a real struggle to get in, secondly she takes it over her face without any complaint (good girl) & thirdly the staff at Madame Tussaud's Blackpool are miserable bastards with no sense of humour Sent from my LT26i using Tapatalk
This is just a friendly reminder about drinking and driving over the festive period. I went out last night and left my car at the pub and took the bus home. I am very proud of myself this morning as I have never driven a bus before....... Sent from my LT26i using Tapatalk
WHY OLD MEN DON'T GET HIRED! Job Interview: Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?" Old Man: "Honesty." Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness." Old Man: "I don't really give a fuck what you think." Sent from my LT26i using Tapatalk
A bloke came home and said to his wife, "Do you fancy a 68?" "What's that?" He said, "get down there and I owe you one."
Paddy, Mick + Murphy all work for a boss who always goes home early. One day Mick says 'let's go home early, he'll never know' so they all leave just after the boss. Mick goes to the bookies, Murphy goes to the pub, and Paddy goes home to find his wife having sex with his boss. Next day Mick says 'that was great, shall we do it again' 'Not bloody likely' says Paddy 'I nearly got caught'! Sent from my GT-I9300 using Tapatalk
Paddy went to the doctor, he said, "You've got to help me Doc' the pain is unbearable. It's everywhere, if I touch my head It hurts, if I touch my leg it is awful, everywhere I touch Doc' I can't stand it!" The Doctor said, "You're Irish aren't you?" "Yes, how did you know?" "you've got a broken finger."
Was getting ready to go out the other night wife said "Look at that love still fits after 30 years" i said " THATS GREAT LOVE BUT IT S A F---------G SCARF ! :thumbsup:
Please excuse the bad taste...... 'Nelson Mandela dies at 95' Respect where it's due... That's 5 miles an hour faster than Paul Walker!
my bird called me a paedophile the other day, i said to he 'that's a pretty big word for a ten year old'
The girl I've been grooming on the Internet has just told me she's really a cid officer .how goods that at nine Sent from my GT-I9100 using Tapatalk 2
What's the best thing about getting your 15yr old girlfriend in the shower? Slicking her hair back and making her look 13 (Wrong I know lol)
