whats the mating call of a cuckoo ?..............cuckoo cuckoo whats the mating call of an owl ? .................... Twit a woo Twit a wooo whats the mating call of a budgie?......................Cooo Coooooo Whats the mating call of a Blackbird?.........................C'mon Leroy ,shove it up me arse
Two law partners hired a new cute, young secretary and a contest arose between them as to who can bed her first, even though they were both already married. Eventually one of them scored with her and his partner was naturally quite eager to hear how things went. "So what did you think of her?" he asked. "Ahh," replied the first lawyer, "my wife is better." Some time went by, and then the second lawyer managed to bed the secretary. "So," asked the first guy, "what did you think?" The second guy replied, "Yep; You were right."
A policeman drove up lovers' lane and saw a car there. He walked up to the car, and saw a girl in the back knitting and a boy in the front reading a book. The policeman asked the boy how old he was and what he was doing there. The boy answered, "I'm reading a book and I'm 25." Then the cop asked him what the girl was doing and how old she was. The boy replies, "She's knitting and she'll be 16 in about five minutes."
A woman was standing in a crowded lift in a hotel when a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the left tit. The man said, "I'm terribly sorry about that, but if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." To which the woman replied, "If you dick is as big and hard as your elbow, then I'm staying in room 87."
Bloke: "Would you let me shag you for a million pounds?" Girl: "Yes." Bloke: "Could I shag you for a fiver?" Girl: "No! What the heck do you take me for?" Bloke: "I've already worked that one out. I'm just figuring out the price."
The wife said to me last night. “If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll Take it up the arse”. Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.
FIFTY SHADES OF CHOCOLATE Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.It was just After Eight. They got off at Quality Street .... He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with aWispa.... ... 'I'm Marathon , the one with the nuts' he replied. He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her. Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple. He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs. Soon they were Heart Throbs.It was a Fab moment as she screamed inTurkish Delight. But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.Turns out MissRowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he hadAllsorts!!!
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "but sir, its just a sperm bank!!", I dont care, open it now!!! he replies.So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.The guy says " take one of those sperm samples and drink it !" she looks at him "but they are sperm samples???" "DO IT!" So the nurse sucks it back." that one there, drink that one as well", so the nurse drinks that one aswell. Finally after four samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "see honey- its not that hard"
Micks first parachute jump Paddy was telling Mick about taking his first parachute jump.. 'When I got to the door I just couldn't jump, but the 6'7" black male instructor unzipped his fly and drops out a 10 incher and says 'If you don't jump you're gonna get this baby up your ****ing arse." Mick says, 'Did you jump?' Paddy says, 'A bit, when it first went in.
A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn't because she didn't have any clothes on. He replies, "Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!" She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I'm sorry, I think he's too far in."
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
A bloke got woken up by banging on his door, it was 3 in the morning and a storm was blowing so he was well pissed off. When he opened the front door a very wet man said, "I'm SO sorry, but would you mind giving me a push?" He told him to get lost and went back to bed. When he told his wife what happened she said, "Don't you think that's very mean? Don't you remember when we first got married and had the babies in the car? That old battery failed in the middle of nowhere and that kind farmer helped us out with a jump start? He thought about it and felt ashamed of himself - He went down and opened the front door and shouted into the storm "HELLO! The guy who needed the push are you still there?" A distant voice said "yes." "Where are you?" "I'm in your back garden on the swing."
Two gay blokes were hiking through the jungle, suddenly there was a huge crashing and banging and a 7 foot gorilla with an erection came diving out the bush. One of the blokes was a very quick runner and took off sharpish. Eventually he made it to civalisation and booked into a hotel. A couple of weeks later he was sitting in the bar when his mate fell in the door. His clothes were ripped off him and he was in a terrible state. He said, "You left me there with that beast! He had his way with me several times a day, just look at the state of me!!!" His mate said, "I'm so sorry are you badly hurt?" He said "HURT? He hasn't phoned, he hasn't texed me...........
I asked my boss 'What do you want me to do with this 100 metre roll of bubble wrap?' Just pop it in the corner She replied... 4 fucking hours it took me!
as i was flying back across the Atlantic with Trans world Airlines the gorgeous stewardess asked would i like some TWA coffee ? i said, Nah Love...but id like some of your TWA T !
I just tried to kill a spider with hairspray, He's still alive, but his hair looks outstanding :whistle:
