I went to the pictures the other day with the wife and another couple, Dave and Lorainne. They sat in front of us and it was aweful! She was a big girl with an Afro so we couldn't see a thing! After a half an hour or so she got a text and had to leave suddenly. I said to the wife...... I can see clearly now Lorainne has gone...."
I phoned an Indian takeaway in Bolton...I said "do you deliver?". They said "no but we do lamb, chicken and fish".
True story. My mate Wayne used to do a bike TV programme. One day a hot-shot journalist came down to interview him and his co-presenter. The bloke was always going on about knee downs and how fast he was etc.. So when he got his lid off they jumped on their bikes and said they would meet him 5 miles down the road at a cafe. They said he would easily catch them up because he was so fast. Then they gave it some beans to the cafe. When they got there they grabbed a full ashtray and two dirty mugs off a surprised waitress. When he walked in the door they were pretending to put their fags out and asked him if he wanted a brew, because they had just finished theirs
A bear walked I to the same bar and said, I would like........... ....... Some crisps please. The Barman said, certainly, but what's with the big pause?
*"Excuse me," I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus, "You have some semen on the back of your jacket." "I'm sure it's not semen," she said, "It's probably yoghurt." "It's definitely semen," I said, "I don't ejaculate yoghurt.
In a club last night and this really ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said "give me your phone number sexy". I said "have you got a pen''. She smiled and said "yes". I said "well f*ck off back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing".
The Abba girls 30 years on . . . http://www.northwestbikers.net/index.php?threads/it-must-be-love-love-love.19804/#post-298999
A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later he received this report: MOST HONORABLE SIR: YOU LEAVE HOUSE, I WATCH HOUSE. HE COME TO HOUSE. I WATCH. HE AND SHE LEAVE HOUSE. I FOLLOW. HE AND SHE GO IN HOTEL. I CLIMB TREE. I LOOK IN WINDOW. HE KISS SHE. SHE KISS HE. HE STRIP SHE. SHE STRIP HE. HE PLAY WITH SHE. SHE PLAY WITH HE. I PLAY WITH ME.... I FALL OFF TREE. I NO SEE. NO FEE, CHEN LEE. Velly sollee
2 dyslexics sitting by a fire... 1 says 'Can you smell gas?'... the other says 'Smell gas?! pfft, i can't even smell me own name
A husband and wife are cooing over their new born baby. "Look at the size of his todger," says the man. "It's massive!" "Yes dear," says the woman. "But at least he's got your ears."
What advantages do a cucumber and a beer have over a man? The beer comes in a can, not in your mouth, and a cucumber can stay hard for weeks. How many men does it take to open a can of beer? None, it should be open by the time she brings it to the couch.
My wife walked in from her mothers funeral, sat down and started crying. Not wanting to come across unsympathetic, I handed her a tissue. "Thank you love, that's very thoughtful" She said Well if she's that upset, I'm hardly going to force her to swallow am I?
