A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" She calls on little Johnny. "None, they all fly away with the first gunshot." The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking." Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?" The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone." "The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."
Two hookers standing on the corner discussing business. One says its going to be a good night i can smell cock in the air the other says no that was me i burped
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
How do you know a Scouse girl has had an orgasm? She drops her chips. What does a Scouse girl use for protection? The bus shelter. How do you know a Scouse girl is ovulating? She shouts NEXT. When is the best day to hold the Liverpool Marathon? Fathers Day. How do you know a Scouse girl is wearing tights? Her toes curl up.
A 7 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we started swearing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to swear first, then you swear after me, OK?". "OK" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he wants for breakfast. "Oh shit mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops" WHACK!! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out. She looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be fucking Coco Pops."
Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel. When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial. After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to his new partner and said, "Wow! This is the very best sex I've had in years! I wonder how the girls are doing?"
Police in Liverpool last night announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 20 tons of heroin, £5 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library in Toxteth. Local residents were stunned, and a community spokesman said: "We're all shocked; we never knew we had a library."
There is a club at Dartmouth College called "Swingers." I attended the first meeting, then wondered why everyone was giving me dirty looks when I asked them if they wanted to fuck my girlfriend. Then I found out it was a dance club.
Man calls 999 and says, "I think my wife is dead." The operator says how do you know? He says, "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"
A women is in a bad way, she is in a coma. When the nurses were washing her they noticed that the instruments responded. They told the husband that there was a slight chance that oral sex might revive her. They left him alone for five minutes when all the alarm bells sounded. The doctors rushed in and said "What happened?" The husband said, "I'm not sure but I think I choked her."
Why did little johnny fall off the swings Because he had no arms Knock Knock who's there Not little johnny
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....
