ok, the nights are drawing in, we need some humour to make us smile..... post all your funnies in here.....i will kick off with a couple ive been in hospital for a week, had to give urine samples three times a day ! i think they are taking the piss. What's the difference between a girl from Wigan and a walrus.Ones got a moustache and smells of fish..... and the other one lives in the sea. What's Wigan and Los Vegas got in common? they are the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips. may the laughs begin ...
It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlor today. On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'" Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Years!"
An elderly couple was attending church services. About halfway through she leans over and says to her husband. "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?" He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading. The man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache." His wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep." The man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."
A man goes to buy a talking dog off eBay. When he arrives the dog says "alright mate?". The buyer says "fuck me, a talking dog!". The dog says "yeah mate, been around a bit me, won Crufts three times, been a guide dog, worked with the police, done a bit of mountain rescue stuff, bit of an all-rounder me y'know?". The buyer says "that's amazing...what's the reason for sale?". The seller says "he's a lying cunt"
That reminded me of this one. Bloke walks into a pub with his dog and says to the barman, "I bet you £50 that my dog can answer questions on building technology, religion, and sport" Barman says, "Right, mate, you're on!" The bloke asks the dog, " In construction, what is the term applied to the structure applied to the uppermost part of a building ?" Dog growls, "Roof!" "Right now", says the bloke, "The Old Testament. Who was the great-grandmother of King David?" Dog barks, "Ruth!" "Very good. Now for sport. Name the first-choice goalkeeper in Scotland's World Cup campaign of 1978" Dog snarls, "Rough!" Barman says, "I've heard enough of this. You can fuck off the pair of you !", and throws them out of the pub. On the pavement outside, the dog looks up at his owner and says.............. "Was it Jim Blyth, then ?"
A pair of twins called jamall and whan grew up together. Jamall went off to explore the world and whan stayed with his parents. After a few years the father found the mother crying in jamalls room. "Whats wrong?" He said " I miss jamall, he never writes and we've not seen him in ages" To which the father answers "There twins you've seen whan you've seen jamall!!"
Here's some from my daughter: Why did the chicken cross the road? He wanted to see his flatmate What happens when a frog breaks down? It gets toad away Not bad for 7!!
The Polish FA have been allocated 18,000 seats for the upcoming game against England at Wembley. There won't have been that many poles there since the place was being built.
It's not a recession until your internet is cut off and you have to masturbate to the woman in a red bikini on the Special K box.
3 kids are kicking a ball around,one is called apples,one is called manners and the other is called Fuck off. Apples kicks the ball over a wall and goes looking for the ball. After 5 minutes apples hasn't come back so Manners goes looking for him. After 5 minutes neither of them are back. A police man walks past fuck off and ask's him what he's doing.(you can guess where this is going) Fuck off replays "Playing kick around" The police man says "What's your name?" To witch Fuck off replays "Fuck off" The police man says "My god such language, where are your manners?" To witch Fuck off replays "Over the wall looking for apples"
a dark african woman called betty walked into the cafe the other day, she asked" is their any chicken on the menu ?" i said ...no black betty its ham or lamb .....:roflmao::roflmao:
A Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Is this some kind of fucking joke?"
